Friday, June 28, 2013

So Far, I Won This One

Boy 1 just stepped off PHD's new elliptical machine after a good 30 second test drive and started this:

Boy 1:  That hurts. How do you run marathons? Are you insane?
Me:  Not insane, just awesome.
Boy 1: Awesomely Crazy.
Me: Just plain awesome.
Boy 1: -ly Insane.
Boy 1: -ly insane.
Me (as he goes downstairs):  Just awesome.

Pretty sure I won this round. Unless he reads this.  Then it is probably not over.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Boy One or the Other

After showing one of the boys (can't say which one because he doesn't want me writing about him right now.  This is my workaround. My plan is foolproof.) bruises I got from playing soccer, he says, "See, that's why old people shouldn't play soccer."  I give him The Look which is clearly so disturbing to him that he shrugs and mutters, "Just sayin' ".

Kids are so good for the self-esteem.  

It occurred to me I should work on the manners thing a bit.  I explained  to the boys that you need to think about your words before they come out of your mouth.  Apply filters.  For example, it isn't nice to call people fat or bald or anything that pops into your head that might hurt their feelings, even if it is true. Curb the blurting, people.

However, this child is also creative. At dinner he said, "We should get Dad a treadmill."  PHD of course asks him why and the boy says, "Well you aren't skinny." About as tactful as a punch in the face. But, he didn't call him fat, so that's progress.

Then I had to drive PHD's truck on a gravel road and we fishtailed slightly when I pulled over to pass an oncoming vehicle. Boy ___ said, "Maybe driving the truck isn't for you." Fairly tactful, right?

I even overheard same boy telling PHD, after a blurt (PHD's doing the blurting, not the children), "Daaaddd,  Mom says you need to think about things before you say them." Learn one, do one, teach one, in action right there. Not quite a good as shutting up completely, but he is only __ (I better not identify him by his age.  Did I mention I am brilliant?) I have some time before a daughter-in-law arrives on the scene to appreciate the good work I have done for her. 

Huh. I just realized that my need to please has gotten so out-of-control that I am now structuring my parenting around a possible future person that I may or may not meet in 20 or so years. That poor, currently non-existent girl has a tough road ahead of her. But then, so do I.  We already have something in common.  

Friday, June 14, 2013

I have had worse nicknames...

I ran into the boys' basketball coach at gymnastics. She wondered if the boys were playing basketball this year and I enthusiastically chirped, "Yes I will see you at registration on Tuesday." She patiently explained that registration was actually yesterday, but if I could make it to the general meeting across town before it was over in 20 minutes, I would be okay. 

We raced over to the meeting and arrived with about 5 minutes to spare. Of course Boy 2 refuses to get out of the car. Against my better judgement I agree to let him stay in the car to play on my phone. I race in, fill out forms and wait impatiently while the coaches discuss the intricacies of which team my boys should be on. What felt like hours but was probably 10 minutes later, I burst out of the building to realize the sun had set. I feel a full-out panic attack rising, thinking, "oh God, he will be freaking out, he's all alone in the car, oh God, he's in the dark, what if he tries to get out of the car, oh God, he will get run over..." As this loop plays in my head I start to pick up speed, cross the road, and break into a full out sprint down the street in an effort to get to my poor abandoned baby. As I sprint I start clicking the unlock button on my keys. Click, doesn't seem to be working, I can't see the lights flashing, click again, oh God, he is probably losing it, click, he's probably terrified, click, why can't I see the lights? What is going on? It was like one of those nightmares where you run and run and can't get anywhere. Then I realized I was at the end of the block. I stop running, turn slowly around and think, "Frack, where is my car?" Click. Oh there, half a block back, about where I started clicking unlock frantically. I run back to the car to find my poor abandoned baby hysterically LAUGHING. He says, "You went by like a BULLET, Mom." 

A bullet. A panicked, slightly mentally challenged bullet. Awesome.

Friday, June 7, 2013

That's one way to go...

PHD lost his cell phone one morning.  His solution went like this:

1. Run up and down stairs looking for phone in places he's never been, yelling random curse words while throwing sofa cushions around.  
2. Borrow Boy 1's phone for the day.
3. Go to cell phone store to price out new phone and recycle Boy 1's phone.  (????)
4.  Come home and shout at wife when she wonders why he would have recycled Boy 1's phone, and if paying $650 for a new phone is a good solution.

Total time spent: 10.5 hours
Planned spending: $650 + gas to cell phone store  = about $6,000.  I may be exaggerating slightly but I am not including the cost to replace the recycled phone so it's probably close.

My solution:

1. Tell Boy 2 if he can find the phone I will pay him $20.  
2. Find phone on arm of sofa beside the spot PHD likes to stand to talk on phone.
3.  Pay $10 to Boy 2 because he looked really hard, too.

Total time spent:  5 minutes
Total spent:  $10

I won! Then I think about what I have actually won and I feel sad.  But not for long because I won! Plus I just saved us $6,000 with my awesomeness so I am off to the mall. Nope, sorry, exaggerating again, it is only $5,990, or something like that. I'm not very mathy.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I am about 27% sure I am hard of hearing

I don't want influence your opinion but after reading Sunday's post over again, I believe Episodes 2 and 3 support the theory that I am hard of hearing. Episode 1 is just a bad day...So, how do I solve my hearing issues? I do find that if I use my sunglasses to push my hair back behind my ears I hear much better, kind of a DIY hearing aid. Which, now that I think about it, sounds a lot like a manual eyelid lifter, which sounds a lot like mental issues. 

So I the point is, I am still trapped in my circle of uncertainty, I think.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Episode 3

"What is she doing?", you ask?  Check it out here:  Episode 1 and here:  Episode 2. If you know what is going on, you are probably thinking, "Yay!  The final episode is here!" Or you aren't reading this at all.  It's okay, you are probably really busy.

One day I went to Costco to buy muffins and spent about one thousand dollars.  The more interesting part is that the lady that was packing (by packing I meaning pretending my cart was a basketball hoop and every item was a possible 3 pointer) my stuff, grabbed the six pack of blueberry muffins and said, "Can I have a muffin?" I looked at her.  She looked at me.  I thought, "Doesn't Costco let staff eat as many as they want? They should. If not, it does explain why their staff looks about as engaged as  an American DMV worker."  I was about to say, "Sure, if you are hungry, help yourself" when I realized the packer person had asked if I had another package of muffins, not if she could have a muffin.  That made me laugh manically for an uncomfortably long time.  Both clerks and the people behind me were looking at me, frozen, probably thinking they were witnessing a mental breakdown.  Naturally, I had to explain what was so funny and everyone laughed uncomfortably until I pushed my giant cart away.  Awkward.

So, what is the point, you ask?  Well that's what I am asking you - what conclusion do you come to?    Keep up, would you? You may need to read the first line of Episode 1 again. To which conclusion do you come.  Which conclusion do you come to?  Damn it. 

Fine, here's another pretty picture of Las Vegas. Same deal as last time. Free Delivery anywhere in the world with purchase of this print for only $10,000.

Or, maybe you like this one better:  

Or maybe you like both and are thinking, "I can't decide!"  No worries, I am service oriented.  How about buy one, get one half off? Let me know, but don't delay, this deal is hot.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Episode 2

For an explanation of what the hell is going on here, please visit Episode 1.

As we watched a movie trailer about Meryl Streep at a marriage counselor, PHD told me he liked male strippers. My first thought wasn't, "Oh no, my husband is gay, our whole 17 years of marriage has been a lie", it was, "Is he trying to tell me he wants to go to counselling? That seems really time-consuming." I slowly realized he said he liked Meryl Streep, not male strippers. Not the same thing at all.

Episode 2 is very short so here is a pretty picture from the Bellagio Gardens in Vegas. I took the picture all by myself and it is completely unrelated to anything in this series. Sorry. Or, if you like it, you are welcome. If you really like it, a limited edition print is available for $10,000. Personal delivery is included in that price

To be continued... (dun, dun, duh)