Birthday Part 2 and He Ran Away with the Chicken

Remember that post when I said I would explain the point of the Birthday Part 1 post in another post? I have kind of lost interest. I will tell you one lesson learned: don't gleefully call your dear friends big fat liars when you think you have uncovered their plans for a surprise party because when you find out there is no surprise party you will feel like an asshat. Even if there is actually a surprise party being planned and it turned out they were big fat liars.  Yes, my lessons are complex. And confusing. But true. I also learned that I have a bunch of really terrific friends.  They are a bit weird but that's why we all get along so well.


As a matter of fact, one of those friends is currently at the movies with both of my boys giving me a few hours of peace.  Perfect time to tell you about Boy 2 running away from home.  


A month or so before Christmas, we were having a lot of fights at our house.  Boy 1 vs. Boy 2, me vs. Boy 2, Boy 2 vs. PHD...sometimes we'd take turns teaming up.  It was not pretty.  It was also too early to start saying, "Santa can see you, stop it!"  Not that it would work anyway. 

One day the boys got into a terrible fight in the backseat of the car on the way home from the grocery store.  By the time we pulled up in front of the house I had threatened to ground them both for life, take away every toy they owned and a bunch of other stuff we all knew I wouldn't follow through on.  So, Boy 2, says, "I'm running away from home."  I say, "Fine but bring in the groceries first".  Boy 1 comes in shortly and says, "He ran away with the chicken."  Not something you hear every day.  

This is where a difficult parenting decision had to be made.  I would like to leave him until he gets cold and hungry and comes home.  Except he took a precooked chicken with him and I have nothing else for supper for the rest of us. How long can an eight year old survive on a precooked chicken, anyway?  I decided I needed a precooked chicken for supper more than I needed to teach him a lesson at this moment.  

 I went back outside and found him  about 10 steps away from the house, hunched over a chicken leg like some kind of rabid wolf.  I was a bit scared.  Would it be like when I try to take a bone away from the dog?  Would I get bit?    As I crept closer, he caught my scent and looked up, panic in his eyes.  I want to think he was afraid of me but I think he was afraid I would take the chicken leg.  It is his favorite part of the chicken.  When I got within reach, he grabbed the chicken and bolted into the back alley.  I had to chase him all the way around the block back to the house.  I couldn't catch him even though he was gnawing on a chicken leg the whole time.  That's not right. He beat me to the house and I let him think he had won.  

About 20 minutes later they started fighting. Being the mature adult I told them, "If you don't stop I am going to leave this house!" I didn't have to tell them the chicken would be coming with me, that was implied.  They of course ignored me and continued beating on each other.  I pretended to slam the door then crept up to my room and laid on the floor beside my bed.  A few minutes later I hear Boy 1, "Mom?"  (fight fight fight), a little louder now, "MOM??".  Boy 2 is still trying to engage his brother in war but Boy 1 has started running up and down the halls and the stairs looking for me.  Up, down, "Mom?" up, down, "Mom?"  Boy 2 is still trying to engage him in battle until Boy 1 says, "I don't care about that right now, I CAN'T FIND MOM."  and then, danger, "We need to call somebody!"  Crap.  I was so comfortable on the carpet beside my bed and I had to get up and make myself known.

They were so angry at me. Boy 2 says in his most heartbroken voice, "We thought you ran away!"  I said, "Now you know how I felt when you ran away.  It is scary isn't it?"  What I was thinking was, "Ha, I won, I won!"  Didn't I??  Probably no one is winning here.  

We are definitely even, though.
 



Someone has to be the moral compass of the family

Last week I took Boy 1 to the grocery store with me.  Wait, maybe I should start at the beginning to give the story texture.  After a few days of pure torture, (of me at the hands of the kids, mostly Boy 2) I said I was going to the mall by myself and Boy 1 looked forlorn and sad so I said he could come along.  Boy 2 was serving time in his room for being rude to me and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember now.  When he heard we were leaving and he couldn't come along he screamed, "I hate you."  I thought, "You better hope I don't die while I am at the mall - you will never forgive yourself."  Then I thought, "No, probably not.  You would just call me stupid for dying."  I only share that peek into my brain so you understand the emotional place I was in when I left the house. 

So, we are in the produce department and my keen eye spots a pile of money on the floor.  There were 4 or 5 crumpled up $5 bills.  I said, "Oh, Boy 1, LOOK!" and as he bent to pick up the bills we notice a $20  bill lying beside those bills.  He grabs that, too and hands the whole wad to me with that wide-eyed, "I can't believe this is happening" look.  As I take the money and turn around to see if I can spot any people checking their pockets frantically, the produce stocker clerk pops up from behind the pineapple, grabs the cash from my hands and says, "I will just run that up to the front desk and announce that we found it. It is a lot of money and someone will really appreciate that you have returned it. When they get to the checkout they will check their pockets and be so upset.  Blah, blah, bunch of other crap."  Direct quote.  When I retell the story, I say "I didn't want to make a scene in front of my son" but really, it happened so quickly and I am so desperate to be liked that I let produce stocker clerk take our pile of money and walk away. I should have responded appropriately and punched her.  We walk to the end of the aisle and I start to steam a bit.  I think, "I can't let this go." It was probably what Boy 1's cub leader calls the "never-ending spiral of hate."  Boy 2 hated me so I wanted to hate the clerk.  It's all Boy 2's fault, really.  I went up to the desk and asked if my son got to keep the money if no one claimed it.  So, the woman took our number and said she would call if no one claimed the money.  I am pretty sure she had her fingers crossed when she promised. 

As we finished our shopping, I heard two announcements that sounded like, "If anyone has lost any mmamnafdsynak, please hdasjfdsslj."  I couldn't shake the idea of produce clerk and customer service lady winking at each other as they made their pretend announcement. Then, when they saw us in line, headed towards them, they took off!  On the way home, as I got angrier and angrier, Boy 1 said, "I hope the people that lost the money are rich so I don't have to feel like I am stealing if I get the money back."  Dear child.  How did he turn out so well?  And he didn't get caught in the hate spiral.  I should examine that thought further when I am done ranting about the money.

So the next day I went back.  A new lady at the desk couldn't find any notes or envelopes of money.  Weird because staff is supposed to log it in the system. 

So by Day three of the saga, between venting to PHD and telling the story to others that aren't legally obligated to listen, I have spent approximately 30 hours of time and $20 of gas driving back and forth to the grocery store, where I corner any worker that will listen to my story of the lost/found/stolen $45.  I then called the manager.  He explained that the money was now in the system. They have a policy that lost items stay in the system for 90 days then they will return it to us if no one claims it.  Fine. At least I feel I have been heard.

Then, on Saturday, two days later, they call and say they will make an exception and return the cash to the honest little boy that turned it in.  Very nice - Boy 1 got his $45.  So, what is the moral of the story?  You can choose your own:

1.  Karma works - Boy 1 did the right thing and was rewarded.

2.  People are jerks and you have to make them do the right thing by driving them utterly nuts until they do.

3.  I should see a psychiatrist, if those are the guys that can also write prescriptions.

This feels unfinished without me choosing an ending and I hate leaving things unfinished so I will tell you one more thing.  Under the category of "I'm pretty sure I am having a stroke", one day when I was trying to say goodbye on the phone I said something like "Pot pie", instead.  My family has made so much fun of me over this that we now say "Pot pie" instead of goodbye.

Pot pie.

I can't see or Birthday Part 1

I had a BIG birthday on November 5. Let's call it my 30th. That means I got married when I was 14.  Don't think about the math too much.

PHD usually likes to try to surprise me in some way. One year the surprise was that he forgot my birthday entirely.  Usually he does much better than that. It can be a lot of fun for me because I usually figure the surprise out in advance, by some fluke or another. By fluke I mean I keep asking "innocent" questions until someone gives some kind of clue that gives away the surprise, or PHD yells, "Don't tell her that!" which also gives away the surprise. So, he and the boys disappeared for a few hours the Saturday before my birthday.  Boy 2 figured out pretty quickly how to use this to his advantage.  Here's how that went:

Boy 2:  Can we go for frozen yogurt?
PHD: Maybe. 

Boy 2: Well, maybe, I will tell Mom her surprise.

Me to PHD after I stopped laughing:  You are totally screwed for the next week!

No win.  Either he does everything Boy 2 tells him or I find out the surprise.  Boy 2 had his own little puppet for 7 days. 

So, since they wouldn't tell me if they bought me a new camera for my birthday, I went and bought a new camera.  I also may have blinded the children with the flash. 

They are so dramatic.  Vision loss was only temporary.  Just to be safe, I returned the camera.  To be honest, the bigger issue with the camera was that I didn't find the button/control placement intuitive and I missed a big shot.  The boys and I went for a walk one dark evening. As they typically do, the boys started punching each other.  Boy 2 got a good shot in then started sprinting across the park with Boy 1 close behind.  I still don't understand how this is possible, but as he was sprinting, Boy 2 mooned us. And he still managed to keep out of Boy 1's reach. it isn't right that a boy can outrun his older brother at the same time as he is pulling his pants down far enough to show his little white butt sprinting across the park.  Violates some law of nature or physics, or something, I'm sure.  Anyway, because I couldn't find the record video button on the new camera, I missed our chance to become YouTube sensations and appear on the Ellen Degeneres Show. Camera had to be returned.

This post has gotten a bit long, and ADHDish so I am going to stop here and make it Part 1 of a more than 1 part series.   If you want to understand the point of this post, or think "Maybe it will get better if I read more." (That's how I am every time I try corned beef: "Maybe this time I will like it".  Does that make me optimistic or insane?), you can check back and read Part 2 whenever I get around to posting it.  I think I just built suspense there.  Or alienated you completely.  Let me know.

That can't be right

Conversation at the MacFuddle house:

Boy 2 (trying to get out of going to school):  Why can't I be homeschooled?
Me:  I just don't think I'd be a very good teacher.
Boy 2:  You'd be my teacher???
Me: Yes, that's where your plan falls apart.
Boy 2:  Oh.

I suspect he won't ask again.

He warned us, we just didn't listen

You know how Oprah is always saying, "The first sign is like a whisper, then if you don't listen, the next sign is louder until finally you get a smack upside the head?"  (that's probably almost a direct quote.) The first year of Boy 2's life was kind of like that, but with yelling (him, mostly, not me) instead of whispers. The signs of a "strong willed personality" were all there.  Let's do a Wordless Wednesday, but with words, and I will post it on Thursday, because that is Boy 2's birthday. So not really a Wordless Wednesday, just a Thursday.  Yes it is confusing. That's not the point.  The point is, Happy Birthday Boy 2! 

Day 1 - "I am going to scream my face off
until I can walk"





Day 18 - "I am going to scream my face off until
they take off this ridiculous costume."





Day 30 - "I am going to scream my face off until

they take off this stupid hat, and I can walk"



Day 45 - "I need to come up with a new plan"

Day 130 - "I know - I'm gonna bite this guy until I can walk"



Day 210 - "Seriously?  I warned them about the hat thing.

Look at my head.  They gotta be screwing with me.

Wait until I can walk"



Day 230 - "I'll bite this guy some more.
It'll pass the time until I can walk."

Day 245 - "Maybe slapping him will work. He seems to like it.
Why am I still not walking?"





Day 365 - "Hey, hey! I got it, I got it!
It is all over for you Mom."

All the signs were there, early on.  That's why I shouldn't be surprised by things like this:

Day 2917 - now for something new.

Sorry, very poor picture quality because I was laying on the floor to get this shot.  Yes, I was on the floor, below him.  Still not seeing it?  Look where his hands are.  Those are the tops of the door frames. Don't feel bad, I couldn't believe what I was seeing either, the first time.  Here is a picture of me taking the picture to clear it up:



I guess, if you are Boy 2, once you are 8 you aren't happy with walking on the ground anymore, you need more challenge, like walking on the walls to the ceiling.  When normal people say their kids were climbing the walls, I think they usually mean it figuratively.  I don't. He is actually climbing the walls.

Appropriate that the child was born on Thanksgiving - every year on his birthday I thank God that we have both survived another year.



Well Played Boy 2, Well Played

This was the conversation in the backseat of my car after Boy 1 solved his friend L's riddle too quickly for Boy 2 to have a guess. Boy 2 started getting angry and Master Mediator L stepped in:

L:  It's okay, here's another one for you, what flies but doesn't have wings?

Boy 2: A flying lizard!

L: No...well...yes...but that's not it.

Boy 2: (rapid-fire now, no one is getting a word in until he solves this baby) My farts.

L: no...well...maybe but keep guessing. (I love this friend, he is so patient with Boy 2.)

Boy 2: Superman.

L: Umm, yeah(starting to frown) but that's not it either. It starts with a t---

Boy 2: (even faster) pterodactyl-tree-ten-gurgantulolo

L: no, no, no and is that even a word? It starts with t, not g, - It has to do with a clock

Boy 2: A watch with no arms!

L: What?

So, to summarize, a watch with no arms sure flies when you are having fun. And, I think if you can frustrate the riddle teller into quitting, you win, whether you solve the riddle or not.

Gurgantulolo. (let's pretend it means "you win, goodbye")

Parenting Scares for Rookies

I just read this article from Today's Parent magazine:  http://www.todaysparent.com/6 parenting scares .

Hilarious!  In a not intentionally funny way.  All this time I had been thinking I must not handle stress well as I tumble down the wrong side of the nervous breakdown spectrum.  Turns out we are NOT normal. If you don't feel like reading the actual article, according to Today's Parent normal parenting scares are:

1. Baby swallows penny.
2. Toddler eats dog food.
3. Your preschooler writes on the couch with a permanent marker.
4. Your first grader stuck a peanut in his ear.
5. Your eight-year old glues his fingers together with Crazy glue.
6. Your ten year old got gum in her hair.

How it goes down in the MacFuddle house:

1. Toddler swallows six metal marbles from his brother's magnetic building kit.  Intern in the emergency room actually gasps when she views X-Rays.  I suggest she may want to tone down the gasping in shock around the average nervous parents.  Probably okay around damaged, beaten-down parent like me, but you never know. In case you are wondering, as long as the marbles aren't actually magnetic, and they are smaller than a penny, they will pass. And, no, the sitter will not check the diaper and keep a running tally of the marbles.
2. ?? I don't get it.  Was there not enough food left over for the dog? That is a pet owner issue, not a parenting scare.
3. At the MacFuddle house, most items, including walls, clothes, furniture, are "labeled". My advice is to let them turn the drawing into a mural to show their classmates.  It will seem like homework and they will quit doing it.  True Story. But, again, not a true parenting scare.
4. Eighteen month old sticks so many unpopped popcorn kernels into his left nostril that kernels start coming out his mouth.  I worry that he could actually be touching his brain with popcorn kernels so I rush him to the emergency room.  They still have our file out from discharging us only hours before.  (Probably need a whole post to describe that incident.)  Doctors have really long tweezers. They say no big deal, but I would still like to see a CT scan of the child's brain to check for popcorn.  To this day I don't let him get overheated.  Think about it.
5. Today's Parent, are you spying on us?  This just happened last week.  Boy 2 glued his fingers together out on the deck so that it looked like he was giving the A-okay sign.  I didn't want him in the house until I was sure the glue was dry so I kept saying how are you doing out there?  And he would give me the A-okay sign.  Oh, and if it is a large amount of glue, nail polish remover will take that right off.  Don't even worry about that.  Unless they have glued a piece of their body that shouldn't have nail polish remover on it.  Then you have a real problem. Call somebody.
6. You guys aren't even trying now.  Gum in kid's hair is called Saturday.  Gum in hair is likely to happen anytime you have gum and a child in the same home.  Isn't it?  Don't you just use the kitchen scissors to chop it out and get on with your day?  Maybe that's just when you have boys.

In the last 24 hours alone I heard in my house: "Here goes nothing!" and "Hey Mom, look I am on the roof!" I was wishing for crazy glue and gum. But, weirdly, I feel better. It's them, not me.